Public Toilets

As I headed towards the local public toilet today I realised I was really nervous, it was a strange feeling that comes into my mind every time I have to visit a toilet outside my own house.

With so many possible problems that could go wrong in the room I was about to enter, could you really blame me?

First off, there's the potential of that terrible smell that the pathetic air refreshener does nothing against. This is a particular vexing problem because it not only hits you hard upon entering the area but then lingers around as you progress through the process of going to the toilet.

Then once you have managed to combat the smell you head for the nearest cubicle, only to notice that the lock says "Vacant/Not Vacant". What does this mean?!?! Is their somebody in there who hasn't locked it properly?! So, not too take a risk, you quietly knock on the door (the quiet knock on the door and waiting for a response is probably the second most awkward time in any persons life) and if you don't get a reply you slowly (yes slowly! sometimes people don't reply for some reason) open the door. If you do get one of those people who don't reply and find them sitting there looking at you in shock then you have just walked into the most awkward situation that you will encounter in your life. For a fail safe, you could always crouch down and look under the cubicle for some legs but then you look like an idiot.

So now your in the cubicle and the first thing you do is close the door and make that place as safe as possible from anyone. This involves making sure the door is fully closed and locked and then double checking. Sometimes you get that door that is broken and keeps hitting the side of the wall instead of actually closing. I do not understand how this happens but it seems to happen to nearly 50% of toilet doors. Then you have the toilets with no lock! Who steals the lock?!?! Actually...who even has the required equipment to steal the lock in the toilet?!

If you have got this far without a problem then your doing pretty well but now comes the tough part...observing the actual toilet and its surroundings. Immediately you will notice various puddles of a mysterious liquid situated randomly on the ground around the toilet and caution is needed so that your shoe lace and/or jeans do not flow through them. There's also the issue of the man who could not urinate directly into the bowl and had to fire all over the toilet seat, the wild small hairs located on the toilet lid and the people who don't flush the toilet after use.

As soon as all of this is sorted you can finally get to business but you can't let your guard down yet. If your in a public toilet near a park or at a petrol station you will most probably have noticed the various spider webs and insects on the walls. Constantly surveying the cracks in the walls for a wild spider attack is a must at these facilities or its safe to say you may be bitten and die soon afterwards.

You will also have to be aware of the random man who (just like you minutes before) knocks on the door. When this happens you may feel strange actually responding to the knock, you will often put on a slightly weak yet serious voice to make your presence known, but we all know how essential this message is too get across. Most of the time, the person will leave and come back later, but every now and then you get the character who wants to make your public toilet adventure even more irritating/awkward and just wait outside quietly.

Well I think I am done with my wild rant about public toilets, there was many other issues I could of addressed such as
1) The lack of toilet paper
2) People who write on the wall, how can people be bothered doing this whilst tackling all the other obstacles of going to the toilet?
3) The sticky floor
4) The angry janitor who sees you leave the toilet and believes you were the person who made all the mess


Steve

Melbourne 2010

I just arrived back in Perth and decided to write a quick blog about my adventure in Melbourne with James and Hassan whilst listening to the offical song of Melbourne 2010...Usher - OMG.

Monday
James and I arrived in Melbourne at 7am on Monday morning ready for a crazy adventure in the city. Due to lack of sleep the night before and on the flight however this was not possible and we immediantly went to sleep when we got to apartment we were staying at.

I just realised that Usher - OMG is a terrible song, this is the first time I have listened to it when I haven't been well drunk. *turns it off*

So we woke up just past lunch time and went to meet up with Ash Klass as him and James were off to watch John Mayer that night whilst I walked around the river/city reflecting on life. It sounded like it would be a dull night and after walking around for 30minutes it looked like my early prediction would be correct.

When I got back to Rod Laver Arena after my brief walk I noticed that all the security on the doors had departed. I took my chance at this time and walked casually through the main entrance and managed to catch the last 30minutes of the concert, which I felt wasn't that much more interesting then my reflective walk anyway.

Tuesday
On Tuesday we left Ash Klass at the train station and he departed back to Perth. We caught the tram down to the city and randomly walking around in various directions and did quite a lot of shopping. James bought his 'Harry Kewell cashmere sweater' and flirted with the saleswoman. That day had a few comical events such as the time I got off the tram only to notice that James had been to slow to get off and the tram doors had already closed. We ended up having to meet up at the next tram stop. That night we met up with Tony Castiello and had a few drinks before heading to the Casino where we proceeded to lose money.

Wednesday
Wednesday was the day of Hasan. Hasan was a magical character who taught us about his exotic religon and culture. We then used this information to tease him for the remainder of the holiday :D.

I don't remember what else happened this day...we went to St.Kilda for a bit. At night we walked down the road to Chapel Street and had a few drinks at Revolver Nightclub but it was pretty quiet. James managed to get well drunk though and did many comical acts which we all had a laugh about.

Thursday
On Thursday after doing nothing but shopping and walking around the city for the past 3 days we decided to do something more casual and easy and took the tram down to the harbour. We found a crazy mini-golf course and played a round of that. I was out of it by the 4th hole due to my pathetic shots but Hasan and James were neck and neck until the very last hole where the pressure finally got to James and Hasan took the title of Melbourne Mini Golf Champion.

Thursday night was one of the best nights because it was...SUIT NIGHT! We all wore all sexual yet cool suits out to the city and hit up a few bars. The first bar we went to was 'Cookie' which was on rooftop of a building. We spent the rest of the night drinking in various bars and talking to some exotic Danish women. At some point during the night we met a girl called Elly who was probably the coolest girl ever. She gave us her number and said to message her about some crazy partys that were happening on the friday and saturday night. Unfornuately she gave James her number and then on the ride home James left his iPhone in the taxi and the number was lost forever :(

Friday
Friday was a casual day as well. We woke up quite late and Hasan went to the city by himself to finish a bit of shopping that he didn't get to to before. James got a haircut and we all met up later on in the afternoon. We headed to the Casino pretty early (around 6ish) and booked a table at a Japanese restaurant. It was quite expensive meal (around $100 each!) but was one, if not the best, dinner I have ever had so it was well worth the price. We were gonna head to the city after but the Taxi driver recommended that we go to a club called Neverland in South Melbourne. So we headed to a bar for a few drinks then went to Neverland. It was a pretty cool club but the music was quite bad, still it was another fun night with lots of money spent on various drinks.

James and Hasan wanted to go the a club called Se7en on Saturday night so at the end of night we ended up catching a random bus at 2am and met some italian guys who told us to make sure that if we want to be allowed into the club make sure that we have women with us.

Saturday
On Saturday night, we decided to take a risk and go to Se7en early and see if we could get in anyway. Our plan did not work but we ended up catching a taxi to the city and went to a club called The Lounge. It was pretty cool club and had a really good DJ on so it turned out to be a good night in the end.

Sunday
Sunday was the birthday of James. We originally planned to walk to the MCG or the new AAMI stadium but the rugby was on and we all know rugbys a terrible sport so we just walked around for a bit then headed to the city to watch a Hot Tub Time Machine. Afterwards we went to Strike Bowling Bar and played a game of bowling...Hasan won again but I completed my goal of destroying James. After a few more drinks we headed back to the apartment and then to the airport to say goodbye to Melbourne!

It was a good week with way to many comical stories and I cbf remembering them or going into any detail. I shall write a few dot points of things I randomly remember.

- Ash Klass's strange female friend who spent 3-4 hours telling us about all the men she has slept with :/ James spent that night insulting her though so it was quite funny.

- The happy man who looked like he had just been promoted and was skipping down the street smiling. He randomly patted a strangers babys head as he walked past the pram.

- Hasans bad directions which meant that it took us 3 hours to get home one day after a day of shopping.

- Crazy evil baby who cursed James with its eyes

- The chip packet machine which stole James's money and made him rage.

- The multiple women who thought James was turning 28 this weekend.

- Laughing at peculiar people who we see on the train/tram

etc...

(I will remember more later)

I also had my first Krisy Kreme donuts...they were ok, nothing to really go on about though.





- Steve

Siiiimmooonnn Petaleeeeee

Making the first move on a nice looking girl can be a daunting task. Many of us shy away from it and make a poor excuse of why we didn't try anything. "I was to tired", "She wasn't even that fit", "I'm not ready for a girlfriend" are various reasons that have been put forward in the last few years when I've been out in social situations.

There is one man however that does not shy away, he does not make excuses, he just goes in without fear and attacks his prey like an arrow to a target.

This man is Simon Petale and last night he came up with a plan to lure in a woman that he assumed (for some reason) could not fail. It did fail however and to be honest when he looks back at it whilst reflecting on his weekend as he falls gently to sleep, he will be wondering what the hell he was thinking.

First off, lets track back to what actually happened last night. It was Attilio and Lizs engagement party and after a hard fought draw at soccer earlier that afternoon I was ready to have a quiet drink and a chat with Seano, James etc. We arrived at the party around 6:30ish and the usual antics were occuring. Mason, with his incredible eyes was hyperactive, Daniel was looking oddly a lot like a chimney and Darren was a singing a song quietly to himself. We all sat around ate small snacks that Liz had made and then ate a few hotdogs from the BBQ that Attilio had whipped up.

It was at this time, as I reached over to grab a second sauage that I overheard a conversation that Simon Petale was having with a delicate blonde girl. "I can set you up with my friend, he is 24, but his a bit of a player" I heard the girl say to Simon. Thinking I had not heard her right or assuming she was joking I quickly dismissed the comment and went back to discussing ways on how Seano could kill Dennis and get away with it (Seano came up with a few solid strageties with the help of Pete the Lawyer so if *Dennis does disappear mysteriously, Seano may be the one to watch).

Anyway so a few hours later as the party was coming to an end I asked Simon Petale if anything looked like it was going to happen between him and the girl. It was during this conversation when Simon Petale told us that his plan to move in on the girl was to tell her he was gay. I do not know what this was going to achieve and Simon Petale also seemed confused on how that plan was going to work.

We all had a good laugh and promised not to forget Simon Petales pick-up attempt. We also came up with a new line "doing a Simon Petale" when a guy strikes out with a girl.

The engagement party was a good night though and we all eagerly await the wedding. :D

The End

* Now that I have mentioned this in the blog, if Dennis does disappear mysteriously maybe check up on me to see if I'm alright. Seano may take me out as well to prevent me from talking.

Love Foolosophy

Last night was such a crazy adventure I felt it deserves its own Blog. The night started off quite casually with James Cas giving me a ring and demanding that we go out somewhere. I wanted to go out but there was minor obstacles in the way.

1) I had no shoes to wear after they were destroyed on Saturday night at The Capitol.

2) There was only two of us that wanted to go out and I had to go to soccer training first.

After my phonecall with James I gave Marco (from the previous blog) and Dennis a ring and asked if they wanted to go on a crazy adventure to the Mint Bar after training. They both agreed and problem 2) was solved.

So after soccer training I told everyone to come to my house. Dennis and James came at 9:30 and then we waited for Marco to arrive. At 10:15 Marco had still not arrived and we were starting to get angry. A minute later he rang us and said that he was still at home and he was no transport to my house! We were fooken furious!!! Luckily Carlos Silva (the slightly cooler brother) wanted to come as well so they used his car and drove over at about 10:45.

It was getting quite late at this time and Dennis had created a new betting game where we would pit two CPU players against each other in Super Smash Brothers and bet on who we think would win. James lost many bets.

After this intense betting game we finally decided to head to the train station. We caught the train just with seconds remaining and met a nice African transit guard called James who enjoyed watching Arsenal. James (our James) had a good connection with African James and his morale was boosted by 15% due to this.

Then their is a wild patch of about 30min in which I don't remember what happened but somehow we ended up at the Mint Bar. It was pathetic, there was like 15 people inside. Marco was livid and James, still horney from looking at Kate Perry pics, was slowly getting more sexually frustrated.

Dennis hadn't done much for a while when he wildly claimed that when we left he would still the Michael Jackson cardboard cut-out and ran out the emergency exit to safety. We did not believe him but true to his word when we decided to leave (15 seconds later) he grabbed the cut-out and bolted out the door and down the street. Unfortunately for Denoz, 4 men who were speaking to the bouncers saw this wild stunt and gave chase whilst hurling abuse. Dennis and the men were soon out of sight as they turned the corner but 30 seconds later the Men came back with the cut-out in hand. We eventually found Denoz several hundred metres away at a Kebab shop where he explained that, in fear, he had thrown the cut-out at the men and escaped.

It was at this moment when Seano gave us a ring claiming he was going to Black Bettys. We had nowhere else to go so headed over there. Along the way we met a seductive blonde girl and her Russian friend. We convinced them to come with us but I don't remember what happened to them.

Black Bettys was ok. There was one girl that had the same eyes as Katy Perry but that was pretty much the only highlight of that place. We headed home an hour or so later (2:30ish) as we wanted to catch the Arsenal vs Barcelona game back at James's house. Sadly we never made it back as we had to wait almost till 4am for a taxi home and even then nobody had any cash except for James.

So all in all, a crazy night with many stories to tell.

also Jamiroquai is the best...

Melbourne Adventure?

Melbourne Adventure Question Mark

That is the name of this blog. A few weeks ago J Cas claimed that we were going to go to Melbourne for his birthday in May. I told him that I would go but ever since then I haven't heard anything else about it apart from James insulting Ash Klass for booking flights earlier then everybody to save $20. He is a cheap man that Ash Klass.

So I don't know if we are still going to Melbourne or not? I shall ask him later on, possibly tomorrow.

Today as I sat down and reflected on current issues that annoyed me at the moment and recalled the many times when I would butter a nice peice of toast only to drop it wildly on the floor. The peculiar thing about this sequence of events is that the toast would always fall butter side down causing the toast to be inedible. I researched into this topic and found that due to the fact that most kitchen tables are waist high the toast is only able to rotate once whilst in mid air which is why it will always fall face down.

I found this theory intriguing and pondered what would happen if we glued a peice of toast to the back of a cat then dropped the cat from a kitchen table.

We had our indoor soccer semi-final today and lost 3-1. Attilio took the loss especially hard as he kicked the ball away several times in a fit of rage and frustration. He cannot be blamed for his actions however since he is Italian and all Italians have a lot of built of rage inside of them due to being from an angry culture.

Marco's Return

Last week our favorite South American man returned back from his 3 month adventure to Chile. We call this man, Marco.

So on Saturday we decided (James, Dennis, Hamish, Mary, Marco and I) to go to the Mint Bar to celebrate his return. The night, to say it blatantly, did not live up to its hype. Marco went for a nap about 20minutes before we were about to leave and there was a heated arguement between James and Hamish at one point as well. Still, it had its good points with me destroying everyone at FIFA 2010 during the pre drinks and the arrival of Mason, Jason and Daniel once we arrived at the Mint.

Hamish was blind drunk after drinking a whole bottle of Vodka by himself in a wild effort to become more like his idol, David Price. It did not work but brang a few laughs to the table at least.

On Sunday Attilio and Liz held a BBQ which we all attended even after **The Boat tried to sabotage the event by spreading rumours that Attilio had cancelled the BBQ and that everyone should go to the beach instead. It was a fun BBQ with many enlightening conversations and we discussed what we could invent to be famous.

Our best ideas were a see-through fridge, so you only needed to glance at it to see what you had to eat and a special bag that you could wear in dangerous locations which, upon pressing a button would turn the wearer into a small tree or bush. This would allow you to escape from most unobservant murderers or rapists.

Quote of the Day
*Whilst having a discussion on people scamming others on eBay*

Seano: Did you guys hear about the guy who actually sold a hat with tin foil on it, claiming it was a time machine?

Everyone: *joyful laughter*

Walshy: ...so did the hat actually work?


lol ahh Walshy 2010

- Steve



** Also The Boat (Daniel Cianfrini) didn't actually try and sabotage the event, it was just a misunderstanding between him and Franchise.

The Future Weekend...which is now in the past

This weekend was an interesting one, it started off quite badly on Friday night after I ate a bad peice of Salami before soccer training and then proceeded to have stomach problems for 24 - 30 hours.

Once that issue resolved itself on its own momentum I logged on to facebook to see what the latest news amonst friends was. It was at this time when Varun sent me a comment with an intriguing propostion.

Two future musik tickets for $150.

I sat and reflected on this deal and then rang Adam Cianfrini and asked if he was down for paying $75 for a ticket and he was all over that shit. After raising my fist up into the air in a symbolic act of victory I waited for James Cas to pick me up as we were off to watch Western Knights vs Floreat in a random night series game. Upon arrival and was furious to learn that we had to pay to watch the game but as I had no cash on hand available James paid for me anyway.

After the game we travelled to Attilios Pizza Shop and had two large F'ken Franchise pizzas for a discounted price. We then headed back to my house and play a solid three hours of Fifa till 2am in the morning which ended with me winning 9 games out of 9 and James being left frustrated and in an explosive mood.

The next day was Future Musik day and I travelled to Gregos house at 11am before heading to Stewart Chans house. We stayed there for a few hours playing Wii and teasing Lucy about her mexican heritage then left to head to the festival.

To be honest, it was quite a pathetic festival, we waited in the line for like 45 minutes and then when we finally entered it their was no ATM's to use. It also took ages to walk from one stage to another because of the bad venue and layout. Eventually we came across Seano and went to watch some Sven Vath who was quite good and we also ran into Scotty. After this we headed to a grassy patch on a small hill and I ate chicken treat and had discussions about women. At 8:30 we went to see Prodigy and they were the best thing ever :D It made the whole day good again after a frustrating few hours.

So all in all, it was a pretty good weekend which was capped off by one of the best music sets I have ever seen (up there with Daft Punk).

- Steve